those moments when you....

- really give it to the waitress who tries to tell you that you have to pay $2.00 extra because you didn't book (who we phoned earlier)

 - when the internet goes down for the 70,000th time you give the internet company a bit of a mouthful (not swearing btw)
 - your poor husband is on the receiving end of being told off just a few too many times in one day and then you have to ask them to pick up the kids
 - some makes an innocent comment on your facebook timeline that shouldn't annoy you and you want to rip their head off 

- you just keep forgetting words as you are trying to talk

Maybe just maybe I am not looking after myself as I should. This journey that I am on it seems like it is a long longer than I thought. To be honest it got a lot more complicated when I thought it should be getting simpler right about now.  I can't change the situation the diagnosis, the issues that keep coming up. I can only change myself,  I thought I should list a few things I have noticed that I need to change or are a result of the situation I find myself in:

• putting on weight this is the most difficult to discuss.. after working my butt off (literally) for the most part of 16 months doing something just for me, feeling great about myself and being much healthier. I was doing some clothes shopping the other day and realised I didn't like what I saw. Before when I had lost weight I was admiring the change and the hard work that I had put in to do that. Is it the kids fault maybe not, but having to move houses and then having my plate portions doubled in more ways than one, one being what I have to manage and the kids health issues and two what I am eating. My biggest confession? maybe eating a block of chocolate in one night is not too great for my waistline! goal: so my first goal is to actually get back into my gym routine, walk more ( if it's not raining) but actually TURN UP! For my birthday pressie my husband bought me a fit bit one I had one for ages and then because I was too tired I washed it this will help me keep active!  Watch my excuses is the biggest thing! 

• not doing what helps so I got to a point where I was like I can't change my situation but there are some stuff that I can do to help. Three things that come to my mind quick smart? are one I used to love going to the gym and working out more than a few times a week. Confession I struggle to do it more than once at the moment. Eating well is number two yeah I think I am failing in that area too, good thing you can't see my red face from here. You get the point and yep it seems to relate to point one too. My third thing is simple yet not I need more sleep plain and simple I am exhausted just exhausted and now sick so yep need to work on this big time. Goal: Sleep more yep still going to work on it, I have even blogged on this before. But right now this is where I struggle the most. So how do I do this? turn the TV off earlier, go to bed before 10:30, and monitor my sleep with my fitbit one and try and get better results. The proof will be in the numbers. 

• getting a bit boring the whole danger of being a Mum and a special needs Mum is that we can get a bit boring. If it is not talking about our kids their achievements and their lack of or their behaviour. It can also be the appointments you are attending all the time and how busy we are. Yep I know I am guilty of this, I think what has also happened it means I disconnect a little from those who seem to have a dare I say it stock standard family situation. No special needs issues, normal discipline issues, shopping, cleaning and that is it not really I know but it feels that way. You don't want to talk about your life because you fear they may not get it or that they may say something that really hurts or you have to spend the next week getting over. So you become a bit boring and just talk about the weather coz that's safe :) Goal: this is something I am just starting, I enrolled in TAFE to do bookkeeping one way to not be boring is to give yourself something to do. Yes I know the time commitment could be an issue but I think it will help me think and talk about other things if I do something else as well.

• might have become a bit emotional yeah the not so great truth. It's kinda natural for it to be like that but...  if I want to be the best Mum/wife or whatever else my roles dictate I NEED to look after myself enough said. Goal: get out a bit more doing something just for me is totally going to help, I head out to a bible study group in my church once a fortnight, but I really need to get time out more regularly and I think date nights etc.. have taken a back seat. I am going to work on doing something more, whatever that is family orientated, couple orientated and just me. So for instance when I finish writing this blog I am going to play a computer game just because. 

Self awareness is a powerful tool,  I have not quite got it worked out yet, I have realised the above things are happening but man it is a lot easier said than done to work on them. Starting to do something and stopping is really frustrating but I must just start and stop condemning myself if I don't succeed all the time. 

If you are interested in reading a few articles about self care and being a special needs mum you could check out these articles is self care possible as a special needs parent and tips for taking care of yourself when your child has special needs.