understanding and communication

 Have you ever had the feeling you have been misunderstood, I had a really positive experience for my son today but for some reason it feels sad. Today for the second time in a speech therapy sense (other areas is different) I felt like my son was understood, now this wasn't in the sense that she had all the answers but she did have some. Last year we had a pscyhologist raise the question of whether or not my son had autism, I have discussed this in a recent post but not how it felt to me. I know my boy as well as I can and in this instance I felt that he wasn't understood at all, it didn't seem to matter what my opinion was she had 20 years of experience remember, she didn't consult his psychologist who sees him and has done for over 3 years. It was her opinion that she gave after two appointments and this was after asking for her opinion which took 3 months for her to get back to me. So from that moment it felt like he was labelled and even though I didn't agree with it, I couldn't shake it from him. 

So the last few months we have been on a journey in March we began medication after much soul searching and this has made a huge difference for him. We told people that our child was a chatterbox and the shock and disbelief was written all over their faces. It felt like my child wasn't known, wasn't understand and no-one knew what he was thinking about how he felt and what he wanted to say. After some success in Perth at an OT (random good results) he started speaking at school. It has been a journey still frought with moments of anxiety and different problems we thought he would generalise slowly but instead he did it way too fast and we weren't prepared for other issues. We discovered he is a little behind in some of the social norms for his age because he wasn't speaking and only in that area. 

Today was part of that journey he was getting assessed for his speech his first real assessment when he can actually speak to the therapist it is the first time he is 7 years old. After all the anxiety that I have been holding in and thinking about today it was all dissolved just like his psychologist she could see my real boy who has some serious something going on with his speech but she said that his behaviour and speech is "outside of the spectrum" numerous things he was able to do and say showed that his behaviour was not consistent with a child who had ASD. As I had asked that they would write a short email/report/summary for the paed's reference it was even asked if it would help to address the criteria and how it relates to Josiah so helpful and also might I add it's nice to be listened to and not told I have 20 years of experience in this industry. 

So now we are coming up to the Paed appointment I have been dreading because I let him know let's wait six months and see how he is going and then let's discuss the autism question then. In preparation we have just managed to see a speech therapist who has dealt with Selective Mutism and Autism as well so suitably qualified. Now you have to understand it has not been easy we have had good speechies but some were horrible, one said I don't know how I'm going to work with him if he won't talk to me, I have other children who need help too. And the reactions from people if he doesn't speak to them. I have the feeling that some people wouldn't talk to him because he didn't talk back they were offended and often would say rude things back. 

No he wasn't naughty and yes he does want you to speak to him and yes he can understand every horrible thing you are saying. No it's not ok to put him on the spot please wait for him to warm up first and you know what I don't want him to talk to strangers in the shops so little old lady I don't care if he doesn't talk to you because it doesn't matter it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether or not they say hello or goodbye or please, it matters how they act if he is rude, their lack of speech doesn't make him rude so give him a break.  And lastly if you spent time with him properly without the expectation you may earn the privilege of him speaking to you it's not a right.   

Now I got that off my chest I can breathe a little more, so today was a better experience I must say the expression of understanding how hard it must have been for him, no-one ever said that before NOBODY. That he has a love for communication and that some children are naturally quiet he aint one of them. When he spent time with this speechy it was almost like he did better because she was there encouraging him and telling him to do it when he was doubting himself. He did such a great job with speaking and engaging in a long conversation with her as well as retelling a story I was so proud. I have to say when we are properly understood and being free to be who we are meant to be no expectation of anything that is when we truly excel. It looks like we might be in for a good block of therapy sessions ahead if this is just the beginning. 

How clean is your house?

The day was coming we had a rent inspection and I found myself thinking how similar a rent inspection is without the help. It almost feels like the cameras are coming to your doorstop and that they are going to have a white glove on their hand ready to inspect the dust and grime in your house. It's an intimidating experience at the best of times.

It's confession time now, I'm sitting down after my recent inspection exhausted but quite disheartened. Now we didn't do horribly but we got comments like little untidy, cluttered on the report. As a wife and a Mum it's hard to hear. Now I've never been a perfect housecleaner, but when people judge me for it I don't take it too well. But thinking over e last few months its been filled with working 1 and a bit days a week (which has been great)lots of therapy and quite a few trips to go to Perth to see specialists, I'm knackered, then last month we've been really sick. 

It comes down to my values really, now when I think about it, my priority has been my three kids who are full of life and challenges, a husband who works hard for us and with us. The last month I struggled to even do washing or the dishes it was pretty bad, but that was how sick I got. So housework is not the highest of my priorities but it doesn't mean that I don't strive to keep it clean. The issue is just because you have got two kids with special needs does not mean that you don't have to hold your normal responsibilities which is tough some days more than others.

So right now I'm fully disappointed with myself a little but it guts you when you just can't do it all. Frustrating I'm sure you can relate what do you think you neglect because of your caring role?

let's talk about the "r" word

So let's talk about something that almost seems like a swear word it's so hard to work out.

"Respite" it seems like a while ago I was wanting to have the money so that I could organise respite and we then got the money but that was only the beginning I realised a lot about myself and also realised just saying get respite is as easy as it gets as it's hard going. Let's walk through my personal journey as a parent for a little while, I think talking about my feelings are a great start :)

Scared there I said it, we found a great babysitter and I had just got my kids registered for in home care. I found out that it would be really hard work to get the babysitter who mind you was pretty perfect, registered as a in home care worker. In the moment I realised that I had spent all this time invested in getting my kids to progress that I was so scared that some stranger would ruin it all. I had spent the better part of my son's life trying to help him get through this Selective Mutism that I realised I was so flipping scared that someone would cause him to have a setback. I was in tears at the in home care place thinking about how much it just scared me to trust someone I didn't know with my precious kids. 

Exhausted at some point somewhere around the point that I become a parent of two precious special needs kids it got hard work. When it was just my eldest I could have a sense of management I had it organised, not so much now. Appointments are in plenty I am forever trekking up to Perth for another specialist appointment staying in a stupid hotel/caravan park, with my kids alone most of the time. I feel exhausted and over it, but I have to keep going. Some days it feels like it's never ending a lack of peace or normal seems to invade my mind. I'm over it some days I really am over it. I recently had to go to Perth with my boys when I was sick and I remember feeling like I just wanted to go home, I was so sick and just wanted to be home, but I had to be there it was not a nice feeling at all. But I got through it!!! And made it home too!

Forgetful is it a feeling I don't really know! But that's how it is with me at the moment. I forget lots of stuff at the moment. Unfortunately I'm forgetting appointments getting times mixed up and then they get it mixed up to make it worse. At one point I was sitting in hospital with my boy and get a message from our psychologist I had flat out forgotten to cancel our appointment I did not feel great at all. It wasn't an issue for the psychologist but it shows where I am at the moment. 

Starved you see over the last two months it's finished now I did a marriage course with my husband. I can see the gasps now as you read this. You are thinking oh are they having marriage troubles, rest assured we are fine. But this I know my kids most important foundation is our relationship together. We spent 8 weeks of getting out on our own hubby had to work really late to make it happen but it worked. I realised that after spending time with him I was starved for his company "alone" plain and simple. It was important for us to have time together and it felt good to be just us!

Reclusive that's how I felt and still do for a large part. It feels like there has been SOOO much going on. I just want to go home and be with my family spend time with them. I almost wanted to ignore everyone else, not answer the phone. I got sick of phone calls it has nothing to do with the person on the other end. But it seemed like I was always answering the phone making phone calls and I was over it! Home even though to be honest it's a mess, but home felt like a haven. In my home it was my rules, my plans and so on, I had the last say. 

So that's how it is at the moment. We did get some respite which was great. I still am on this journey. I feel like there is a master plan for us to feel better in ourselves and as parents and I want to feel less exhausted over all!!! But it's a journey and we still haven't got it all figured out. It doesn't happen overnight and just because you get funding it doesn't mean that it's all lined up for you! There still is an emotional journey to trust someone else with your kids, to get the right person the right funding. I can see how some people just go nope it's just too hard. I tell you this I was really sick over this school holidays and one way that I coped was the respite that we did have, just a few hours each morning where I had some space with less kids made all the difference for me. This conversation I think though will continue as we work on this balance. If you are a parent to a child or children with special needs why don't you join me? And share your experiences below good or bad!